Bisexuality Q&A

I was recently asked to answer some questions via a writer from PlayBoy Mag.

Name, age, career, location:

Candice Leigh, 29, Founder of Naked Yoga Therapy, Tantra and Yoga teacher, Somatic sex educator, NYC

When did you realize you were bisexual?

I realized I was bisexual on my 18th birthday. My boyfriend at the time threw me a surprise birthday party and invited all my friends. The night ended in my first exploration with having a threesome with my boyfriend and best girl friend at the time. I realized and was surprised at how attracted to her I was, how effortless it felt to please her, how I felt like I intuitively knew what she wanted. Something in my sexuality certainly came alive that night, and I realized I liked “both” genders, though there are more than two I have come to know that I enjoy. Bi almost feels limiting to me, though it is a label I like and can get down with enough to use.

When did you come out as bisexual?

Since I was 18, I had considered myself bisexual though I think my interest and intrigue for women started a lot earlier. As young people explore their sexuality, my first explorations were with women probably during the ages of 7-13. I thought there was something wrong with me, so I kept that hidden for about 10 years, until the “initiation” (as I like to refer to it as) happened on my 18th birthday. I think there is also some form of toxic peer pressure from boys that have the fantasy of seeing girls with girls. “Oh my GAWDDD thats SOOOO hot” with cheap beer and saliva dripping from their mouths when they see two high school girls kissing at a party. Some girls may explore with girls because they want to be seen as “hot”, “adventurous” or abiding into their boyfriends fantasies. I don’t think I had this situation as I was curious about women before I ever was curious about men. I think the fetishized fantasy on my 18th birthday certainly played out for my boyfriends liking, but the situation ended in him realizing it actually had nothing to do about pleasing his boyish fantasies and everything about my desire to please her. When I didn’t want to stop pleasuring her, he felt left out and was pretty pissed and pouty about that jolt of truth. And the girl…well she became my lover for the next 10 years…

How has dating changed since embracing the bi label?

I’m sure a lot of people say that being bisexual gives them more options in the dating pool, and it does BUT my favorite thing about being bisexual is that it gives me more options to see myself in different ways. I love exploring my own masculine side and love being a top for women. When I’m with men, I love being an equal or more submissive. It’s less about the “label” and more about the energy I feel. Masculine energy makes me feel powerful and assertive, and that follows me into my life, work and dealings with other people. All the girlfriends I have had, I have had a more developed masculine side and certain qualities get developed and refined such as being more present, energetic, goal oriented, success entitled and I feel more driven to make money and buy her gifts. Maybe I am playing into my own stereotypes, but these are things I actually have noticed in myself.

I usually date men that are more masculine than I am, so I fall into more of my feminine qualities, and those qualities get seen, encouraged and are actually crucial to maintain harmony with a man. The masculine ego is a delicate animal to move around, so only the qualities of empowered femininity can swim around the rougher and calcified parts of his ego. It feels kind of like a game of navigating power…because it is, yet the softer side of my power gets illuminated and recognized in myself. To be with a man, a different energy of love is needed and in that dynamic I get to see myself as more tender, softer, compassionate and wise.

And when I’m with women, I have a strong desire to provide for her, please her, buy her things and make her feel like the most important creature on the planet. Because she is. I also must admit, I do get more protective and possessive over her.

How has your sex life changed since embracing the bi label?

I certainly have realized that gender does not fucking matter. I’ve had transcendental experiences regardless of anatomy and biology. I have also felt strong attraction to an individual that transitioned from woman to man. I was sexually attracted to her when she had a vagina and breasts and was very much attracted to the same person after he had surgery and presented as a ridiculously sexy man.

I have felt penetrated by women in ways that a man has never shown me; and the reverse it true too.

Being bisexual has made the chemistry and attraction the most important dynamic and what I find important.

I’ve also felt very accepted by heterosexual men for being bisexual (I do think this is very deeply rooted into the psyche of the masculine fantasy of two women together), mostly disregarded by people who use the “lesbian” label, held at arm distance from heterosexual/straight women, adored by other bisexual men and women, and my gay men friends could care less about what I’m up to or who I’m fucking. I find myself wanting other bisexual women to explain themselves deeper and a little afraid and timid of the “seasonal bicurious” woman. The possibility that she is just bicurious for the summer of 2018 flags my abandonment triggers and I probably would avoid her altogether if I’m being honest.

My sex life still involves more sex with men by default but I think that is due to the fact that I get approached more by men so they make my life easy. I dress and present like a cis femme and most people looking at me would assume I’m probably heterosexual, so women hardly ever approach me. It takes more energy to do the approaching and I still haven’t perfected the subtle art of how to ask a woman out because I usually am a little too blunt, freaking them out but it’s something I’m working on.

Is having sex with a man and woman different? If so, how?

Sure, absolutely. For a few practical things: it’s easier to have safer sex practices with a man—-condoms are easy and all over Manhattan but dental dams are not and most of the population has never even seen a dental dam or knows what the hell that is. The conversation of “where should I cum?” very rarely happens with a woman unless she knows she is blessed with the sacred water powers of amrita (tantric term for female ejaculate).

I’ve noticed that the women I have been with and loved cry more during sex and their sexuality is more emotionally diverse and expressive, and because of this I’ve actually fallen in love easier and deeper with women. Vulnerability really gets my heart and pussy throbbing. :)

I was under the impression that I wouldn’t be able to have a “cervical” orgasm with a woman, but then a woman proved that to be false. I was under the impression that a penis needed to stimulate my cervix and a finger or fist wouldn’t quite do that. I then started playing with tantric energetic penetration with a woman and that belief was busted. I certainly was able to have a very deep, powerful and psychedelic enhancing orgasm with her.

Men are amazing to have sex with too though! I like their arms and what it feels like to be the smaller and softer animal in bed. Regardless of a woman’s size or body type, I always feel like the bigger animal. I also enjoy being the one that cries during sex with a man. I love to show him this side of myself and blow his mind when the emotional wave passes and I’m back to screaming his name and begging him to love me harder. It’s all so diverse, so wonderful and all so much fun.

Any challenges you've faced dating-wise/sexually since coming out as bisexual?

Just the desire to have two and maintain two which is challenging. My ideal would be to be committed to both a woman and man, not for the sexual diversity, though that would be fun and I would learn a lot, but really and truly for the various archetypes and energies that I learn about myself from feeling more feminine and feeling more masculine. This is the essence of what tantra is about and what I teach. Balancing these energies within oneself is a high aspiration and if I had TWO lovers to keep me in check with this, I may just MAYBE find some kind of enlightenment in this lifetime. This is more of a polyamorous dilemma than a bisexual one I think.

Being a bisexual woman is actually a complete privilege and luxury. It’s probably the most societal recognized orientation, right after heterosexuality. It’s also easy to hide if one needs to. Very few challenges, I’d say.

I don’t tolerate or have time for anyone who would have a problem with my bisexuality and have been blessed to find an incredible community that relishes this in me. How lucky they are! And me too! It also makes for a truly authentically interested unicorn for couples.

Anything else about your sex life or sexuality that you'd like to add?

Yes. My sexuality has been the greatest source of power, discovery, direction, self love and highest spiritual path I’ve ever found and I certainly attribute what I have learned by playing with “both” genders.

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